We did a lot of crazy and fun things together. We had sex under the rain at mid night , under the moonlight we told stories while naked. We ran in doors when we saw a neighbor approaching with his car. We was fun, i felt open, free although we were just friends.
I never knew i was such a talker during sex .. There was a time during the act ( high of course) i spoke about my fears, my family, my friends, my insecurities , the things i hated , things I’ll probably never tell anyone. Yeah I’m such a secretive person , I’m an expert in the art of hiding pain.
Funny enough, he was always listening. He told me the words , i thought i needed to hear. He saw in me things i never believed existed within me.
I began to like him , but he wasn’t dating material . We made it clear to each other that we could only be friends.
One blissful night, after cuddling up and doing the normal, we prayed for the rest of the night . Jeez never felt such power in a room before . Felt like the angels watched us the whole time we were grinding .
I was getting so close to him . The days i go without seeing or talking to him, no matter how much i missed him. I couldn’t say it because we were only friends.
If i say i miss you, i want to be missed back but then he had no rights to say that . He did not have to reply my messages , or my calls . We were just friends remember?
One day i had to visit him, but i delayed for a while . I took a longer time to bath . Truth is i always do that , like that’s the birthing room for most of my great ideas ( smiles) .
So i arrived at his doorpost , rang the bell and he wasn’t home. My house is quite a distance from his own. I called and he said he just stepped out .
I so badly wanted to yell , i wanted to scream, and insult him. Question him why he would leave without letting me know . I just wasted my time and transport but then i could not . I never had the right to that ..
We were only friends . So i told him its okay, some other time.
We had the same taste of music . like i walk into his house and thought i forgot my laptop there. Gosh . From Emeli Sande, Sam smith, Sia , Adele , Labrynth etc ..
This was like a sign from heaven but we only saw the signs we created . No dating, we are only friends.
I called him my nigga, i sorted to being a tom boy by him. He lit my first weed and guided me as i smoked it .
We spoke about so many things , from church, Christianity, sex , entertainment and he is quite charming, handsome plus super confident 😊 . He makes it so hard for any girl not to fall in love with him.
He knew when to bring out my inner demons and when to bring out my angels. He led me to the adventure of discovering my self . He journeyed me to a strange place, a place i’ve never been to before and that place was “me” .
For once i let my self become vulnerable . I let down my guard and enjoyed every minute of this strange adventure.
I liked it, i liked every bit of it. For once i was me . No impression, no need for validation , no expectations, or pressure .
Of course i began to wish for more . But then the terms were clear, our friendship was a shadow that could never come out to light. Just the two of us knew about us. We were a deep secret .
In the light he was considered poisonous to me ( outside opinion) but to me he was my favorite drug .
I did let him go though , he found a girlfriend . We were only friends , so i had to give him space . But I’m grateful . And i pray he never reads any of the poems i wrote about him.
What do you do when you fall in love with the person, you signed to only be sex partners with? if i tell him; i love him, i will look weak. If i don’t, i will miss him enough to get hurt. But even if i do, he has a girlfriend. I’m confused right now, i want him.